What You Can Do

The authority of others is not absolute

In your conversations, make it clear that adults and other children do not have the absolute authority to command your child to do whatever they tell them to do. For example, they should not encourage your child to keep a secret from you or allow your child to do something you would not let them do, such as watching R-rated movies or leaving the house without your permission. 

 

Affection should be expressed appropriately

All children need love, warmth, and affection. They need to experience and understand what a good touch is. However, make it clear to others that not everyone in your child’s life needs to fulfill this role. 

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Let children, family, and friends know there are other ways to express care, concern, and appreciation without forced physical contact, such as a fist bump, a high five, quality time, helping out, or a few minutes of conversation. 

 

Your child should not be forced to give affection

Inform others that just as they are not responsible for giving your child a lot of affection, your child is not responsible for fulfilling that role in their life. Explain you are allowing your child to decide when and to whom, to give hugs and kisses. Be clear that no one should ever force your child to give a hug or a kiss. 

 

Family members are not entitled to hugs and kisses

Because of their status in a family, or because of their age, many feel entitled to hugs and kisses from children. In your conversations with family, make sure you explain this can no longer be the case. This rule can be the hardest for people to follow because greeting others with affection is considered a respectful act. Doing otherwise is considered disrespectful. Family members may complain you are raising a disrespectful child.  

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Many people want affection from children out of habit, rather than out of a deeply held principle. You may say, “Respecting elders is important to us too! That’s why we’re teaching our child to say 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' to everyone.”  

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If others are still giving you a hard time, you can remind them that the rule applies to you too. You can say, “Just yesterday, John didn’t hug me when he came home from school. I felt a little rejected but, I didn’t get upset. It was no big deal.”

Bottom line: If your child is not wanting to be touched, even though it can feel like a rejection, respect their wishes. 

 

Establish Ground Rules for Your Child

Talking to your child about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, will go a long way toward keeping them safe. These conversations cannot only happen once. They must be had regularly through each developmental phase. When you have these conversations frequently, your child will learn you are someone they can talk to about these situations.  

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Some of the topics can be difficult and, quite frankly, triggering at times. Plan to leave room for questions and answer honestly in an age-appropriate manner. 

Tell your child these rules are for everyone’s safety, not just theirs. And that just as adults have responsibilities, so too does your child. Here are some rules to share with your child. 

 

Your child does not have absolute power over others

If your child is in a position of authority as an older sibling, babysitter, leader, or in some other role, teach them that they do not have the absolute power to command anyone to do whatever they tell them to do, especially if they are not looking out for the child’s best interests or safety.  

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Tell your child that certain actions are an abuse of power and are not acceptable, such as commanding younger children to clean the older sibling’s room, breaking house rules, making threats, or not providing adequate supervision.  

 

Authority is not based on gender

Inform your child that their gender or gender identity does not give them more rights than others or the authority to harm others. You can model this by not condoning statements such as:

1. “Boys will be boys”

2. “It’s okay for girls to hit boys” 

3. “Boys are just more physical than girls”

4. “Girls need to tolerate the advances of boys”

5. “If someone hits you, pulls your hair, or plays pranks on you, it means they like you”

6. “Boys need to fight to settle things between themselves.” 

 

There is an important difference between a secret and a surprise 

Make it clear that surprises are fun and happy things to be shared later, they are only kept quiet for a short period of time. Examples of a surprise are not telling someone what you got them for their birthday, not talking about a surprise party, or not revealing the sex of a baby before it is born.  

 

On the other hand, secrets are designed to never be told and usually go against house rules. Offer your child examples of a secret they should not keep based on what is not acceptable to you, such as a peer telling your child not to tell you where they are, a relative telling your child not to tell you they are spending time together, or any adult telling your child not to report their activity.  

 

It’s okay to say no

If your child does not want to eat or drink something, teach them to say, “No, thank you.” If your child does not want to hug or kiss someone, have them say hello instead. If an authority figure asks your child to do, say, or act in ways that make them uncomfortable, tell them that it is okay to question that person. 

 

Your child gets to decide who to hug and kiss

Let your child know they can decide who to hug or kiss upon greeting and leaving, including you. Offer your child another way to greet family and friends, such as saying hi or giving a fist bump. If your child receives a birthday gift from a relative, encourage them to always express gratitude; they can say thank you verbally or with a note, phone call, or text message. 

 

Your child must follow all safety rules

Tell your child their safety is your top priority. If adults and authority figures are keeping the child’s health, safety, and emotional well-being in mind, then your child should listen and respect the rules. 

 

Offer these examples as rules children should always follow: safety drill instructions, safety rules when playing sports, riding a bike, or using a scooter, doing homework, instructions on when to bathe, get ready for bed, getting up for school, instructions about crossing the street and putting on seat belts. Add any specific items that apply to your family or circumstances. 

 

Your child should tell you about certain actions

If you make clear what rules your child must follow for their safety when they are with others, it helps them know what behaviors they should question or come to you about.

 

Encourage your child to tell you about the following behaviors: 

 

1. Being encouraged to keep a secret from you 

 

2. Being told to do something that is unsafe, like going somewhere with someone without your knowledge 

 

3. Receiving private messages or direct messages (DMs) that are not on an authorized school account from a teacher, coach, or another adult 

 

4. Being asked to attend special events separate from other youth without your permission or knowledge

 

5. Being told to do something that makes them uncomfortable 

 

6. Being denied the ability to take care of themselves or their needs, such as using the bathroom, eating, or drinking water 

 

7. Being threatened if they do not behave or comply with a request that is not about their health, safety, or emotional well-being 

 

8. Being belittled, called names, or mocked for articulating their discomfort or concern 

 

9. Not being given age-appropriate supervision or not tracking their whereabouts